Free wRiting, What happens as I am witnessed, have and affirm my truth in InterPlay? How is it affecting how I live my life?

I believe that in one of my focus sessions I had briefly stated that I was very comfortable with " Change" - Change not only is my friend but has and still does represent not only survivival but also a whirling vortex of the spirit.

Internally , When presenting my truth in focus sessions I found my self ossilating between experimentation with new ideas, to wondering if I had exposed to much of myself and perhaps should have maintained better boundaries in regards to my subject material, to feeling
frightened by the Open beauty of the eyes and ears that have said to me non-verbally, " I see you, I hear you, You are Here and I am here."

I have completed reading 2 great books
One of which was Spirit Taking Form: Making A Spiritual Practice of Making Art by Nancy Azara. I felt that I was on a journey and decided to go quite literally where my psyche was pulling me. I was just thinking of one of Dr. Seuss's Characters... saying... " Oh... Oh.. the Places I Go!".. well thats like what its like.

This the Website for Nancy Azara: http://www.nancyazara.com/home.html
and a link to a blog from the Brooklyn Museum http://www.brooklynmuseum.org/community/blogosphere/feministbloggers/

I had not realized it but as a woman and as an Artist how important the fuel of affirmation truly is: not only to recieve it but also to give it. Thru out history Women Artists have always been there but only existing in the the anonymous shadows of time. I am constantly on the lookout for historical Women Artists.

The Other Books that I had finished was Choreographer Twla Tharp: The Creative Habit. This was truly useful to me and sits as a resource on my book shelf & This is a great fun link to Dancy/Dancy a U-Tube piece of Twyla Tharp choreographing a new piece.. Ahhhh..
all the arts are an inspiration to themselves... : )


See everyone tomorrow.
debbie.


I have watched the Documentary Arna's Children which was about a woman who created a Theatre program for Palestinian Children under Occupation in Jenin Camp . the following link to her website has all kinds of information : http://www.arna.info/Arna/articles.php

Prison Pilgrimages.

I have not written about my experience with the Inside/Out Prison Initiative or the 3 years working with the Fathers in Prison Group.

Every time I walked thru the security check and crossed the Wire Fence I entered into an inbetween world : between dark and light. A place where shadows and men lived. Where Hope , despair and yet - a non-judging God lit candles in it's dimness.

What does Affirming and being affirmed create?

This has been a great week. It began with a 2 1/2 hour session of restorative yoga at the Yoga Room and it was the first time I have experienced singing bowles in such a completely spiritual and meditative context. Then a wonderful, playfully erotic shower with my male friend and on to Monday to a talk by Father Roy Bourgeois, M.M on the challenge of " Peace" at the remembrance of the anniversary of the assasination of Archbishop Oscar Romero and marking the fifth anniversary of the war in Iraq- thru to reading a great book entitled, " Spirit Taking Form" by Artist Nancy Azara. Cleaning the House and feeling complete.


Interesting how one was a sort of stepping stone for the next affirmation. The restorative yoga
class creating the affirmation of the Holy. Around me, and I could feel the inner light in side of me, that presence of the divine and the inner voice resonating. The shower was also Holy. For the first time I felt like a silly wild child letting go of her inhibitions and just loving the warm water, soap and the other silly wild child playing with me. Everyone has the opportunity to heal. We get to play and affirm our right to learning to love ourselves, each other and the world again and that evening We were peace makers in the shower. A. is an ex-gang member from east l.a and sexual abuse survivor and I with my history. I am always learning that my past and his is a part of us but does not define us individually .

Native American Prayer

" Sundancer, dance into the light , We give our whole being to open up our sight

That we may see the vision, every landscape unfold

that we might dance through the crack between worlds . "

The Book actually has been very helpful to me in confirming and affirming my inner world and addition to allowing me to create a vision beyond the times when I feel stuck artistically.

Pilgrimage To the Sacred.

yesterday i went to the Hermitage Library to return items and before leaving walked into the
The Hermitage Exhibit. Inside was the Exhibit on the Hermitage Slaves . As I walked past them I had encountered 3 Large almost Life Sized Re-prints Slave Portraits and felt an energy. Is is possible that photos had captured something of a life force, whirling particles unseen- reaching out to its viewer or maybe a shadow of a time and otherly place memories . A Pocket, a spiraling Vortex, Was it Possible to be caught up inside it? I went up to one and touched her foreheadand then moved it across her brow. It had lines , firmly planted knarled dark roots on a sweaty moist earthen face & I touched this face - I wiped sweat off her brow. The other woman , Betsy was holding the hand of a small child. My eyes rested on her old face, a caress to her spirit and then moved to the two hands , joined mine in a a firm grip. I touched those hands, I join their link. I feel her warm breath as she whispers into my h. ear. t

Affirmation.

Writing Assignment: Experiments with Affirmation

What seems so big its too much?
How can I incrementalize it and enjoy the speed of my body?


Well I have had some learning moments with Art making. I was doing another small piece and becoming more unhappier and dissatisfied by the moment and yet decided to make it into a
self teaching opportunity not nessesarily about technique but about being comfortable within myself when work doesn't come out the way i wanted it to.

Last night i cut it up into to smaller parts, perhaps to be used for smaller fun prodjects later on.

and you know what..
I felt free !!!

I had taken myself out of my own self imposed box.

i have taken a botanical Print book out from the library and my next step is to study it.

My energy seems to be coming back.
as i have been operating low low energy for quite a while now.

In terms of Affirmations.
Ah.. I remember when I was in treatment for Sexual/Ritual Trauma . There were no such
Programs in the State of Tennessee and consequently Traveled out to the South West,
New Mexico for a specialized Program.

It was an incredible Holistic Program. But i remember one activity was the Affirmation Cards that we made. They were simple ones. It was an incredible program and i was so lucky to get out there.

Because the first most cleansing affirmation that i had ever recieved were the simple words :

I believe you.

Well. Its Done.

and am taking a short break from

Design/Painting.

d.

the pic on the right came out a bit on the bright side.

Funny. But as I kid I remember gobbling up ( reading) all of Fin-Fan Moomingtroll

books written by Finnish Writer Tov Jansson

oh yea and below I have pasted an Ilustration by Tov Jannson.

She did all of her own Illustrations.. Perhaps I'd have called my small piece, " Spring Time for A MoominTroll" d

The Painting box.

Finishing off the blue.

Same Piece . now beginning with the detail ink.

Big piece at the bottom is not working out well.

but.. at least its a test piece.

the Next Phase.. of the Painting.

The piece small is coming along.

in increments.

I made what I thought was a big mistake

but prayed!

and it worked out okay.

posted from,

just call me Dopey as I am on strong anti-biotics

and also eye anti-biotic drops. etc.

Incremental.. bit by bit

I begin with a prayer to the blank canvass to help me bring out what is already there.. I ask for guidance.. I ask to learn..

So sorry that i didn't make this weekend to our training.

any way.. my last 3 weeks have been fruitful in spite of stuff.

this is an uncomplet small test piece.-

that I will do a larger one in the Spring or Summer. Once I have the basic ideas down.

I thought it might helpful and also affirminative to to analog it while it is in process...

over and out,

d

What could I practice if i wanted more of something?

I would practice more affirmation of my intentions.

that would be my intention to continue thru this unforseen appearance of a new cycle in my healing journey thru to the gifts at its center.

To continue to solve what I want in my next job.

To put more fire into my dreams.

To lose more weight.

To create more personal community

To continue to paint

To work thru my experiences of " Meniere's Disease" and consequent hearing loss.


Are intentions ... affirmations...?

over and out
d

What needs Exformation? What Could I practice if I wanted more of something?

My promise to myself is to have this assignment completed by the end of tonight.

I have completed the reading.

In spite of a lapse of writing the topic of : Exformation, has been on my mind since the beginning the new year. It has been at best challenging and difficult in a way that no other assignment as been so far.

I journeyed to the space that ; I was scared to go.

I began returning to my studio upstairs on a regular basis shortly after the NewYear. Primarily because a Chattanooga Dealer liked some of my older pieces and wanted to know if I could paint more simular pieces and secondly because I view Painting as a form of : Exformation.

Exformation- To let energyin all its forms including the toxic form to move thru me and outwards

I wasn't expecting the process of painting to trigger memories and flashbacks but it has. It makes sense now that i look back . I am still painting as a form of exformation although I have begun to complete it with recovery self care tools....

Repulsive Demons have to be hugged. When they feel the hug of the embrace they vaporize down like the nasty green wicked witch and turn into frightened little children. One has to take them and Rock them like loving Mother/Fathers of the Pieta / until the vibrations of your beatinglivingloving heart jumpstarts thiers.

For a long time I called my Demon the Monkey Witch Woman and did alot of journaling and scrap art work on on the topic.

The things that need to be exformed at this moment in time are my Flash-back/Memories while I integrate stuff in guided process work ( Therapy) and at the same time work the usua Self care stuff.

I would say that shear physical energy needs exformation as it puts me back into my body agin. so That would be exerciseing more.

Allowing myself to cry and more.

Watching my cats groom each other and having connection to my next door neighbors German Shepherd: Max . Contact with Animals has a Healing Quality to it. It is more than just Spiritual it has a Healing/Safeness that brings me back to feeling "Home and Grounded".

Feelings of Loneliness in spite of good friends and a casual boyfriend... its the lack of connection.

I have had more flucuations in hearing loss. So next week I have a hearing evaluation at Vanderbilt Bill Wilkerson. I need to work more on "Aroma-therapy" so I have bought some home made soap. Both that sit in my kitchen. One that smells like fresh milled whipping cream and the other like liquorish.

Using my other senses helps me to Exformate.

..........................................................................................................................................

Having Grace & Spirit: What and who makes grace for me? (pp 61-81)

I would like to start with a mention of an Essay entitled , " A love supreme: jazzthetic strategies in Toni Morrison's Beloved" African American Review. 2006 . written by Lars Eckstein

As it the scene in the forrest with Baby Suggs leading the communal / dance praise service that had a pround soulful and spiritual meaning and affirmation to me .

" In the beginning there were no words. In the beginning there was the sound, and they all knew what that sound sounded like,"

The holiness of the body and the power of speech are also brought together in the figure of Baby Suggs. Baby Suggs is an unchurched preacher who calls her people to love themselves by speaking in love each part of the battered body:
"Here, . . . in this place, we flesh; Flesh that weeps, laughs; flesh that dances on bare feet in grass. Love it, love it hard. Yonder they do not love your flesh. They despise it. . . . Love your hands! Love them. Raise them up and kiss them, touch others with them, pat them together, stroke them on your face, ‘cause they don’t love that either. You got to love it, You! And no, they ain’t in love with your mouth. . . . You got to love it. This is flesh that I’m talking about here. Flesh that needs to be loved. Feet that need to rest and to dance, backs that need support; shoulders that need strong arms. . . . More than eyes and feet. More than your life-holding womb and your life-giving private parts, hear em now, love your heart. For this is the prize" [pp. 88-89].
This is a physical resurrection brought on by speech, for with Morrison -- as with Walker and Hurston -- word and flesh, body and soul, belong together.

This is what Dance is for me. What it does for me. I have gone to some drummings and simply danced and I haved gone to some drummings and like the others dancing around Baby Sugges I am dancing and moving each body part as prayer and as affirmation of its intrinsic goodness irregardless of what has been done to it, the pain and suffering inflicted upon it, or the actions that i was forced to do. I am moving it in prayer. I am offering it to the God of all understanding and everytime I dance/pray God is listening.

My head forced into the flushing toilet bowl

My Mouth forced to eat Dog food

My mouth forced on a Phalus

My Mouth with Tape on it. breathing thru my nose.

My Nose forced into Feces

My Eyes covered so that I cannot see.

The broken finger bones.

and Electric shock to my finger tips.

et all.

It is Thru Dance I recieve Grace . My hands move upwards to connect with the creator that created me and wanted me with all its heart to survive.

It is reaching back into the place of "no words" that I recieve grace. Sleeping with hands entwined with my lover is of the softest grace and in making anothers suffering a little more manageable i recieve grace.

Activity #3

Dancing, Singing, Stillness and My Words: Free Writing-What happens as I witness and have been witnessed , have and affirm my truth in Interplay? How is it affecting how I live my life?

*********************************************************************************
Witnessesing others initially was a difficult thing as I felt that everyone's piece was so good, raw, genuine, honest and aesthetically very interesting. I had absolutely no idea what would come out of me, but surely it would not come out as good as thiers. So actually when my turn came the level of support came as a surprise. I felt gently suported and and greatly appreciated the attention to assistance when needed.

I believe that I value the moments of giving in my life more deeply than I did before Interplay.
actually before Christmas i was searching for an ecletic Art store that had moved to the Bellvue Mall.
I drove out there from Hermitage and could not find it. But I did stop in an International type of store. I had asked about Persian/Arabic Calligraphy... and ended up having a very nice conversation with the store Manager on a phrase in the Koran.. he ended up giving me his copy of the Koran. I was in the moment and more, in real time- recieving a real Christmas Present.
I think that that is about being able to be in the present moment and be able to be open to recieve the open spaciousness from other's hearts.

i believe that thru the excercises including the written excercises and readings I have truly seen the door to my fears. The Fear is my fear of failure as an artist. I can be honest about that more recently. In being able to name my fear I feel a strong source of empowerment . I shall name my fear: Rumplestiltskin and perhaps we can talk: My fear and I.

I have also had glimpses into the fact that a great artistic wealth comes from the deep places that carry the most pain and that aesthetic/Artistic abilities are not a curse to deny but a gift
to bring to the forefront of my daily living.

I have immersed myself in many different things. Reading, Writing, reading arts blogs , dance
etc and have been happy in this imersion.

I have already used some interplay/Performance Poetry in an impromptu teaching moment with one of the teens on the street that I live on. Some weeks ago there was a drive by shooting at the two townhouses at the bottom of the circle. These days one of the boys that lives there
comes out a nights to practice his Rap Music. Well I've since been over and talked to him about
Performanc Art. An intro to Jack Keroac, Miguel Pinero , Gil Scott-Heron and the Nuyorican Poets. With some U-tube sites to listen to their performances and 2 of my books to read out loud. Molotov Mouths and a book of Poems by Gil Scott-Heron. Young Teens are hungry for someone to say, " I care."

I can also write that in my part-time work in an aftercare setting. I have used improv as
a Catalyst. This may have partly do with an online Teaching Improv Class and also Interplay.

In addition, I have recieved news from my mother,
that a Chattanooga Art dealer had seen my art work in her room and wanted to know if I would be willing to create more on the same theme for her to sell.
and so now is the time for my conversation with Rumplestiltskin.



d.

Activity # 2 A quote and a Prayer.

A quote from, The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Diffcult Times.
Pema Chodron.

" Confess you hidden faults
Approach what you find repulsive.
Help those you think you cannot help.
Anything you are attached to, let it go.
Go to places that scare you."


My Prayer...

My I go to the Places that scare me

My I lead the life of a warrior.

New World Border and Guillermo Gomez-Pena - Activity # 2

I have recently completed reading the book, The New World Border: Prophecies, Poems and Logueras for the End of the Century. written by Performance Artist: Guillermo Gomez-Pena.

It has been a very long time that I have read a book that has made such an indelible impact on me as an Artist. I look forward to reading more of his books. He has also been a regular commentator on NPR and this is a link to one of his interviews: This is his Website http://www.pochanostra.com/#Scene_1

When I was writing the Poem: The Gift that I put in the last entry. I played around with concepts that i enjoyed Mythology, imagery but this time played with and inter-mixed Mexican, American Indian and Welsh and Celtic Imagery.

I am moving into new territory.
So this is a quote from the book that I am reading currently.
The Places that Scare you by Buddhist Nun, Pema Chodron

Activity # 2 The Gift.

Once upon a fairy tale-
a new lover transformed himself

into a jumping Celtic Salmon / spawning up fresh cold
Spring Alaskan rivers to catch a mate.
later/as Kokapeli, travelor / trickster
who changed himself into Cayote
whose wide brown eyes: mirrored back a dark Jesus preparing for nuptials and in whose armpits lingeried the faint forrest scent of Green Man's leaf

Mayan
Apache

Sparrow and Raven
Chicano/Mexicano/Americanisto
Diego Rivera out hunting with his dog HuckleBerryFinn

Changlings/ Shamans/ Shapeshifters
Los Lonely ones.

Aztec Son of the

Serpent of the Persian Garden
The Antlered Deer King

Shape/ Form
Form from no-form
born from the wild horse goddess
on the nights of las posadas

Salmon/Water Baby
Breathe
Breath now
she said to him

Speak Memory

Think,
Yes.

to the Hiraeth , while not longing for ones's country but

the longing for the home within one's self

Bydd wych!

adieu

adios!

shhh......shhh

The Vedic Rivers call you home.

c. 12/07 chadwick

Activity # 2 Body Wisdom ( Dance, Movement) & Sexuality

I was listening to the Interview below on FORA.TV of Anna Halprin up until about 12am last night & taking notes.

Sexual healing for me began with integrating my body- and that was about movement
and safe touch.

I've always had some kind of connection to Dance at various parts of my life. In high school my friends were mostly the Arts Crowd students. I remember the name that we had for our selves was the " Zoo-Crew" in other words we were adolescent misfits of various sorts. A good friend of that time, Was spotted as having a gift for dance and was accepted at North Carolina School for the Arts in Dance. After graduating from
N.C.S.A he had gone up to NewYork and luckily landed had a job with the Alwin Nikolais Dance Theatre and that he had gone to Europe and had joined " Daniel Ezralow &. . ." Company.
Any way here is his website:http://www.timothyharling.com/.. its incredible to look at the artist and remember when I knew him as a 15 yr old gifted boy . His love of Dance and intense view of the world thru movement had an indelible effect upon me perhaps it was the passion of creation. I don't know what it was, but I was very lucky to have known him.

Interview with Dance Innovator: Anna Halprin ( Very Good)
I decided to post notes from the interview as some of it did relate to the writing topic
Body Wisdome & Sexuality, but also with finding/discovering ones Personal and Artistic Language.
She briefly mentioned the " shedding of all of her old patterns and starting anew. That ability to create this break was how began her new approach to movement"

&
To her " Movement" was a language" and finding the forces of nature within her own body and translating that information into an artistic experssion.
Dance as medium to speak to the spirit world , bring forth change, enhance life and not always be a a decorative spectacle.

Okay. so what does this have to do with my writings on the topic. Aha...
Sexuality must be a language. Isn't it? Expression is Communication.. Right? Well in terms of Body Data, I would say that from the get-go, I never had an opportunity to learn, discover safe and healthy sexuality. Like some Sexual abuse survivors and specically those who were ritualistically abused my cognative connections to sexuality were paired with extreme physical pain and I was living without a necessary language and was missing out on important developmental experiences . It is as if some had asked me to speak, but instead I could only Bark because my tounge had been ripped out.

How was i able to re-build my connection / build my language(bridge) across to sexuality? Where does the instinct to survive come from? It's all part of the great mystery. Those moments beyond desciption are not because I can't find the words but that words simply steal away the holiness of it.
...................................................... ................................ .....................




Healing Hearts thru the Arts.



I began with Movement and Touch , Education, Moving thru Non-feeling of sensation & Personal denial of Sensuality thru The Sexual Ice Ages to Rage and a painful/ depressive Acceptance of the splits created by Damage. of the damage.




After 2 Hosptalizations in teh Nashville , Tn area in Mental Health In-patient programs that were not set up to work specifically with survivors I left with only a a Band aid on festering wounds so it was not until I left the state of Tennessee and attended a specialist Holistic in-patient program for R.A survivors in Alburqerque, New Mexico that I recieved the help that I needed.


--
The Great Mystery--


Connectedness is relationship. Connectedness is respect. Connectedness is understanding. Connectedness is giving.

Connectedness is knowing you are a vital part of something bigger than yourself. Connectedness is listening. Connectedness is realizing that Creation is so beautiful that the Creator must also be beautiful.

Connectedness is having the courage to face one’s greatest enemy — one’s own self. Connectedness is acknowledging and accepting that each life form, each spirit, has value. Connectedness is the ability to seek the good in every situation.

Connectedness is knowing that you are a part of something greater than yourself and that what you do really does make a difference.

Connectedness is the courage to stand up for what’s right and speak out against oppression. Connectedness is fighting injustice, even when you yourself are the one doing the injustice. Connectedness is combating the prejudice in your own heart.
Connectedness is being at peace with yourself, with others, with the world around you, and with the Great Mystery.

Connectedness gives the power to rise above the mundane and to soar with the stars, thus to see the world from a new perspective which few people ever glimpse.

Connectedness gave our shamans the power to make the tents tremble or to know when the earthquake would come or to stand tall when the oppressors bullets struck down without mercy everything they loved.

Connectedness is learned over time and over a difficult trail, but it is worth the learning. We all can be connected once again. Connectedness is available to anyone willing to pay the price of being connected.

published in The Red Heart Warrior, Fall 2003

Activity 2 Coming to your Neighborhood now : Bodies Broken Here

-The Dissconnected Ones-

I liked this particular Piece as the bodies of this group children's photo are more or less realistic but the faces are completley blurred.

it resonates with the portrayal of surrealistically and anatomically disfigured faces even though With the exception of one they all sit with McDonald T-shirts on.

Shells and Masks.

Upon the readings on the last chapter and different types of body " Data" i was thinking how a child's survival amidst abuse depends upon thier ability to create a mind/body split. Children suffering from sensory deprivation( ie put in isolative situations for long periods of time) and/ or enduring long term physical pain will teach themselves to split off from thier bodies.

==================================

Below is a picture of Syrian Street Children.

at 10 yrs old, Disconnection wears her cheap bell bottom jeans / smokes her camel cigarettes & breathes in the icey Christmas air around her. Swallows it whole.

her head now separate from her body

travels to the redwood forrest

To take tea with Hunka-Munka ,Ms.TiggyWinkle

and Alice.

c.dc2007

Notes. The Wisdom of the Body Pgs 39- Activity 2

'> Episode One: Inside the Tinman Misnomer Unpacked.

experimental Dance

Kinesthetic sense-

the way our bodies perceive and receive our own movement and the physicality of other bodies.